Mexico and a forward gaze

Before deciding to make this trip to Mexico, I had to question whether or not I was running away from something. Came to the conclusion that it is seldom we depart a place voluntarily and not feel happy to leave a few things behind. Waiting for emails from my traveling love, the internet in general, an empty house, the lack of job, an all-too-open schedule... there are a few things I wouldn't mind a break from.

But what's all this about running AWAY? What about running TOWARDS?

Thought about it on my 45th or whatever lap around the gym today (it's a small gym). Running, running, running. Then occasionally singing random notes and disturbing the basketball players below. Hum, instead of looking behind, let's refocus to a forward gaze for this trip:

1) Hours on the bus for reading and doing nothing else; getting through some things I keep putting aside because I feel guilty being lazy, or at least not producing something.

2) Waters lapping at my toes and boats out at sea.

3) The quiet tombs of old Mexican cathedrals, echoing the voices of thousands past from their cool walls. And a reconnection to Catholic heritage in them, remembering now that I am more united with God that I have ever been and that this started in Sacred Coeur.

During a layover in Paris on the way to Madagascar, I knelt to pray at the front of this amazing church, and could think of nothing to request. The only thing I could say honestly was, "Thank you. Thank you for everything. Whatever happens on this trip, I am grateful for. You owe me nothing, and I owe you the same. Let's give each other all we have."

4) The chance to mail postcards.

5) Everyday survival awareness and taking that alertness wherever I go after (wherever being grad school, a tough place to thrive if you are feeling numb).

6) Women and their children and hopefully (*crosses her fingers*) chickens on a few rickety voyages.

7) Being anonymous. Alleluia.

8) New people, new influences on my life, new ways of thinking, and being, and talking, and framing the world.

These came alive to me when a friend reminded me of our previous Mexico trip, and particularly that moment in the ocean when a storm was rolling in. I had drank a touch of tequila and was trying hard to conquer the waves. No matter how low I dove or how fast I kicked, they wouldn't let me out past their breakers. I was standing in the small waves screaming at the ocean to bring it on, as my daring friend, for the only time I've ever seen, pulled the safety card and talked me out of the water.

9) I'm looking forward to something like that too.

The great boon and danger of being human is the ability to rationalize anything. I am probably doing that here. But I'll take it. Sometimes I know I'm just not ready to surrender entirely.